Five Finger Death Punch

Well I have been had.  I was an idiot and trusted someone I should not have.  I don't want to go into it because its yet unresolved and to be honest it will just re-infuriate me.  This person in a nut shell stole $700 from me and has yet to show any remorse.  She states she will pay me back because she is family, kind of.  She is Buzz's ex step sister.  So really shes not family he is only nice enough to consider her as such.  This entire event has tested my patience. 

I am happy to report, no real breakdown.  As you might recall I have recently stopped taking medications that for the longest time I thought I required.  I took that medication to deal with lots of things but primarily for dealing with these particular situations.  Moments of extreme stress.  But all in all I think I handled it rather well with only a few minor outbursts that would pretty tame.  Nevertheless this has upset me beyond belief and has been the cause of an unusual amount of stress and tension. 

Then you have the fact that Buzz is having surgery on November 1st for a blowout fracture of his left orbital floor (eye bone).  He has never had surgery and is pretty nervous, but his eye is getting worse, it seems to be sinking in his socket more and more.  Surgery is a must.  We will both be taking time off work and having to borrow some cash to pay for the deductible.  The fight promoter has a legal responsibility to pay but we aren't counting on that. He wants to use this crappy insurance he has but its not worth the paper its printed on.  So the last few weeks have been trying and emotionally draining. 

Then I hear my sister was rushed to the ER last night after struggling with the worlds worst case of the shits.  10 days.  Holy shit, pun intended.  She was thought to have a gallbladder issue and in the last few days shes gone from, might have to have surgery, to feeling better, to being taken to the ER last night.  When it rains it pours huh?

On the bright side all of Buzz's R+R?   It seems that without the constant grind of the gym Buzz is a lot more active in the bedroom.  This month we starting tracking ovulation too so it seems the stars are aligning.  It will take him at least 2 more months to recover so we can spend the end of this year focusing on TTC.  He still doesn't want me to broadcast the fact I am ovulating or to be naggy with symptoms and girlie things, but this is a great step forward in our journey to start a family.  Somehow amidst all the crap the world is tossing at me I have a great sense of hope.  I cant explain it but I finally feel at ease and dare I say relaxed about everything.  I somehow know everything will be fine and I cant tell you how happy this all makes me.  I wish all of us this sense of contentment. 

8 years of crazy

So as I have stated in my former blogs, I was diagnosed bipolar in 2002.  Well I had a rough time of it with a horrible boyfriend, and.....blah blah blah.  Not important anymore and frankly I wasted enough time on it.  I was prescribed Lithium (on the periodic table, no shit), Depakote (Anticonvulsant), Levoxyl (to try and save my thyroid), Seroquel (Anti psychotic)....you see where this is going?  I have taken everything from mild antidepressants to straight narcotics and tranquilizers.  I have gone with a label, a stigma for the better part of my 20's.  This realization has sparked a multitude of emotions.  

I digress....the only reason this all happened, the reason I have called this diagnosis into question finally, was that 6 months ago I started taking only 1/2 of my prescribed amounts of medication.  That's because we started trying for a family.  I knew that I couldn't take that medicine when pregnant, not the amount I was taking.  I had asked my doctor what I would need to do just in case I got pregnant and he told me to take half and work down from there.  So I started then.  I was weary and scared, as I was told that I would think I was better, stop taking the medicine, that I might try and kill  myself.  I would steal, fornicate, and take drugs.  (Past history) So needless to say I was nervous. 

Here we are, 6 months after dropping my doses to that of a child, and 1 month after completely stopping all meds.  I feel better than ever, I feel focused, healthy and well very optimistic. I have a wonderful husband, a amazing family, and a very decent job.  No wonder I was miserable and acted out when my life was shit.  I was miserable and did some pretty stupid drugs and things that I am not proud of. But I am sane. I don't need meds everyday and I should maybe be able to get some insurance. I have done psychological testing and visited a referred doctor to get a second opinion and he stated that I am not bipolar.  My original doctor is willing to concur with this doctors evaluation, as they sent me for the second opinion. 

I used to tell people that I wished I could crawl into the fetal position, crying, and fall asleep.  Then sleep until everything was better.  I had an epiphany in the doctors office the other day. Holy sheep shit, I did that.  I "fell asleep" with medication, and when my life didn't suck so hard, I woke up.  Woke up to realize I was an ass and should have been slapped years ago.

But overall I am happy.  I feel excited about the future, and frankly I cant change the past so why harp over it. I couldn't have said that a few years ago, and I think its time for celebration and a return to my version of normalcy. My hubby has told me the entire time I have know him that I was not in need of medication, and it took me far to long to believe him.  I also feel that I am now truly ready to be a mother, and that my body is ready too.

Bad Blogger!

Yeah so I am new to this blogging thing and it has dawned upon me that I am not really doing a good job.  I suppose it is because it has been years since I wrote my thoughts down or thought anyone would care what those thoughts were.  Of course, it seems that I had been living my life under false pretenses. I mean it feels weird to have thought that you were labeled or characterized a specific way, and would be for the remainder of your life.  Only to learn that you were only young, and going through more personal issues than playboy.  Other people have things so much worse but I couldn't deal with the parts of my life that were malfunctioning. 

This past Tuesday I sat down for a new psychologist to administer the MMPI which is a lengthy personality test, which I thought was pretty self explainatory.  I cant believe some of the questions, and based on my answers I cant believe anyone could draw any other conclusion besides I am boringly normal.  Well thats not entirely true.   I am anything but normal, or boring.  I find constant amusement in the daily struggles I face, or at least I try to. 

I feel that my journey to become a mother has already changed my life for the better.  I no longer rely upon drugs to make me feel better. I realize that I am in control over my actions and reactions, and that the way I deal with life is in essence, my life.   I have already won as far as I am concerned, getting my mental self confidence back has felt so good, I am sleeping well and feel that my body is healthier.  I couldnt have imagined this a few years ago and struggled with the idea of being pregnant on medication.  Well at least psychiatric medications. 

I feel that my body is ready to create a child and that I have prepared myself as well as I can.  I now hope, and pray to receive the greatest of life's gifts.  The gift of a child. 

The Buzzsaw and his Hive

So a few years ago Buzz decided to start training Brazilian Ju-Jitzu, Muay Thai kickboxing, and all other things MMA. (Mixed Martial Arts) He went to the gym all the time, always coming home tired and exhausted.  But he loves it, and what more can you ask for when your man is high strung with a short fuse! Get that aggression out in a good way! His family thought it would only ramp up his propensity to fight and be violent, but I saw it the opposite way. Finally a healthy way for my little man to get out his frustrations. 

He always said that he wanted to compete and the joy that I see when he gets to train, made me want him to continue to train and eventually compete.  We watch MMA all the time. He knows all the facts, fighters records, and he even can remember the moves done to win the fight. I don't know how he knows as much as he does, its amazing. 

He landed his very first fight in November of 2009, and we were both amped!  It was at the House of Blues here in Houston and he was even on the fight poster! (Second from the Right!)

Unfortunately, he lost that fight and his coach didn't even show up for the fight!! But he moved on and continued to train and focus hard.  He is in the Bantamweight division (135lbs) and is 5'7".  People ask me all the time how I can watch him get beat up.  Well to be honest I am more worried about the other guy most of the time.  Because if Buzz releases all his frustration and rage he could kill someone. As of yet he hasn't learned how to activate that rage right before a fight.  I certainly don't want to be the one that provokes that response! 

His second fight was at a casino in Louisiana, I didn't think it could get much cooler than the House of Blues but I was wrong.  I was a real part of everything that time, I was there from the get go at the hotel, backstage, and cage side. That was a pretty awesome experience.  But he lost.  Man I have never seen Buzz so upset and disappointed in himself.  I was so glad I was there to tell him what a fantastic job he did and how proud of him I was. 

He is more determined than ever to win a fight, and has just landed one!!! September 18th, here in Houston!! He is at the gym now, and probably every night until Sept. 18th.  This is what he loves and I wouldn't have it any other way! I mean look at this face minutes before he went to the cage in Louisiana.

Damn I love this man. 

4th Times A Charm?

So I was 22 when I met the future love of my life.   I was in an awkward phase of my life I was overweight, unhappy, and just been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. (Which I now believe was a misdiagnosis) They put me on enough narcotics to put a horse down.  I was in such a medicine haze back then I was barely me.  But somehow Buzz saw through that.  We became fast friends and I tried to ensure that he was always coming over to my house.  I bribed him with food, beer, and bud.  (Back then we were quite the smokers)

He spent almost every evening with me. We told each other everything, I mean everything. We were best friends.  I wanted us to be more but at the weight I was at and the fact I apparently didn't know how to put makeup on or do my hair either.  It was no wonder Buzz (at a whopping 145lbs) didn't find me attractive, sexually, yet.  After 8 months of sleeping in the same bed, and spending tons of time together, I gave up.  I met this guy who WAS interested in me so I started dating him.

Two months later, Buzz moves out.  We had an argument and one day while I was at work he moved.  I came home and that was that.  It took nearly a year until we talked to each other again.  I was going to call my sisters boyfriends work, and the first 6 numbers are the same! (I live in Houston and we have 3 area codes so you have to dial all 10 numbers) I dialed Buzz instead of Taco Cabana.  When his voicemail picked up I was shocked and immediately hung up. I of course called back a few minutes later and left him a message.

I must add here that I was down to 135lbs at that time and thought I could prove to myself that Buzz cared for me the whole time.  He proved it a week later when we started "dating".  (We slept together)  I was in heaven and so in love.  We spent more time together and he pretty much moved in after a few weeks.  I was in heaven for 5 months. Then he got wind that the "L" word was involved and he ran. 

So I was miserable for a few weeks and then spent a lot of time talking shit about him.  Then I was made to go to a party that he was at, and he was stuck like glue again.  We hooked up that very night, and started dating again.  We broke up about 2 more times until May 2008, we agreed that we should get married.  That's right, no proposal, it was a conversation on the couch.  Then 3 months later in September, we wed. 

Here we are month and a half away from two years as a happily married couple.  He just turned 30, I am 8 months behind. we have tons of family, and we also have 3 awesome cats.  We bought our first home last year, we began trying for a family shortly after, and Buzz is looking to go back to school to start a new career!  Lots of things to talk and blog about!  Thanks for listening!

The best kitty in the world

Miggitys Story

So my beautiful 11 year old kitty, Miggity, was diagnosed with kidney disease last September.  She is an amazing tuxedo kitty, with dalmation pattern too! We have been giving her fluids 3x a week since her diagnosis.  I have had this entire time to prepare myself for her eventual exit of this world, but I dont know that it has made it any easier. 

I got her from a rescue organization that apparently had her mother as well.  Both cats had a unique polka-dot pattern in their coats.  I have NEVER seen a cat like this before.  Her personality won me over, she wasnt a fluffly little kitten, she was a few months older, so at first I wanted the little fluffy kitten. As soon as I met this kitty I knew she was going to be mine. Cat haters have loved this cat, she is vocal and sweet, she will come introduce herself to any guest in the house.  She loves to watch birdies and loves catnip!  I have never met a cat that is this loving and sociable. Her bright green eyes are so expressive, and they way she actually likes to have her butt spanked is unlike any other feline I know.  She used to play fetch when she was a kitten, it was the funniest thing! I know that lots of people are thinking about her and sending good vibes her way! She is a lucky kitty to have so many people caring about her well being. She already has made it longer than I thought possible as she is a fighter.  She was a 13lb cat in her good days, and is now weighing about 9 lbs, give or take. 

I know I am not the first person to lose a pet, a family member, a child.  I just wanted to share with all of you how much I love this cat and how much she means to me.  When the day comes that she looses her battle with the disease will probably the saddest day of my life, to date. I hope her spirit lives on in this family and I meet her again one day...

Pulling the goalie

I will make this brief as my first blog on this was unfortunately deleted due to computer, not operator error.  Anyway, so after about 18 months of marriage and months of pleading, Buzz finally gave in to my baby making plans.  He did it in his distinct style, by just not pulling out one night. You see I had a blood clot in 2003 and cant be on birth control, it only took 2 years of dating for us to move to the pull out method only.  So when a few days before my 29th birthday he ceased to pull out for the first time, I was amazed and thrilled.  You see my hubby never forgot to pull out, never.

I took all the steps and precautions. I scheduled dentist appointments, doctors visits and started taking some low grade prenatal vitamins.  I know that I will need to be on a blood thinner throughout my pregnancy and will be under constant supervision.  I will not be able to leave the city and will have to see one of my two doctor's at least once a week.  I may need to be on the blood thinners if we have problems conceiving, but we will see. I have already had a laparoscopy to find the culprit behind my severe pain during AF, but they found nothing.  We saw a cyst on two ultrasounds but nothing on surgery day.  I get pelvic ultrasounds to check for ovarian cancer, because I tested positive for BRCA1.  I also get mammograms and breast MRIs to check for breast cancer.  I will have to get a bilateral mastecomy and oofectomy when I am done having children as well. (Removal of breasts and ovaries)   All of this I am more than willing to do to get a beautiful child with my husband.

At first he just wanted to 'Pull the goalie", and not worry too much. He didn't want to know when I ovulated and certainly didn't want to be told to perform on command.  Well I certainly didn't want to be controlling about this subject it would send Buzz the opposite direction quick! So he came back home after the job was done and we relaxed about it.  It has been more difficult for me to remain calm. I have so many things to be concerned with. Not to mention the fact that he happened to avoid me on the only days that it mattered.  I had a talk with him last month and turns out his was misinformed.
So since our little talk it seems to be more active in actually trying to conceive. I am happy and hope that we will have a little Buzz running around soon.

What doesnt kill you....

So I am new to blogging. I know I am behind but I never really felt that I wanted to blog, until now. I have been through so many things in the past 10 years. From an ex boyfriend that pulled a shotgun on me in our own home to heavy drug use and erratic behavior. Then to the medical issues, and the psychological ones.



All we need to say now is that the ex screwed me up bad. He was my first everything, he was my world met him at 16 and stayed with him for 4.5 years. At the end he physically and emotionally damaged me for years. I was heavily medicated for the better half of my early twenties. I didnt complete University because I had emersed myself in anything that took the hurt away. Needless to say that even when I met my future husband at 22 I still wasn't all right. It has taken me years to realize that the night back in 2001, that ended with me staying a night in jail. (My first and so far only experience with incarceration) Was traumatizing. Literally, traumatizing. I have been dealing with the ramifications of that night for a decade. I believe I finally ripped the head off of my beast.



What miraculous drug am I on? What amazing epiphany did I discover about forgiveness? I discovered that I want to be a mother. I cant be on the amount of prescription medication my body has been used to and expect to grow a healthy child. So here I am, off all but one medication and on a childs dose of that. I believe that the evening back in 2001 was so traumatic that it effected me for years. I have PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. That explains it all.

Well that is not the end of my medical woe. At 22, when my hubby was only my roomie, I got a DVT in my left popliteal. Thats a blood clot in my leg, I was in the hospital for nearly a week. Turns out I have two genetic risk factors for blood clots, so I was ordered to get off of my birth control. I am unable to take any hormones and this will greatly effect any pregnancies. So I already know that I will have a high risk pregnancy and will have to take daily injections of blood thinners. Yikes. But I am ok with that, I understand the risks and I know what to expect.

Then you have the BRCA1 thing. Yes I have tested positive for the breast and ovarian cancer gene. I found out at 25 and I will have to have both my breasts and ovaries taken after I am done having children. Christina Applegate has this gene as well. I have already had mammograms and a breast MRI, and I also have regular ultrasounds to check out the ovaries.
I have been told that everything looks great and shouldnt have any issues conceiving. I had surgery in 2009 to figure out why I have such painful cramping. I have taken narcotics to try and relieve the pain that I have, and I have been convinced that something is wrong. They did find an ovarian cyst on rightie, but when we went in for the exploratory laproscopy they found nothing. NOTHING!!

Well I still cant figure out whether that was a good or bad thing. I mean I am still in terrible pain the first day AF visits, and I pass lots of clots. (TMI I know) Its frustrating that I still dont know why I have the pain that I feel like is unnatural. I mean I had a blood clot in my leg for 3 days before I sought medical attention. I know pain and I can handle pain. But it is apparently all in my head. Grrrrr.

I feel that the things I have been through have made me stronger, that I am a better person for it.

A brief history of us!

You know how they say, you'll never meet the man of your dreams at a bar......well I did. I dont advise others to go hauling ass down to their local hole in the wall to check out men however. I got lucky. You see a girl I had been working with decided my life wasnt exciting enough, I never went out, and I just needed to meet people. So after weeks of pleading with me I finally decided to go watch her boyfriends band play, after we watched his new independant film. The film was horrible, thank goodness I actually stayed for the band performance because she introduced me to this short guy named Buzz. (family nickname) So he lived near me and had a lot of similar interests like (sorry for the honesty) the band Incubus being a favorite and smoking pot. So here it begins, I invite him to smoke a joint in my car and we jammed some Incubus "Warning". That was the start of a very long and complicated friendship and eventual love affair.

So we started hanging out daily. He worked about 2 minutes from my apartment and I was more than willing to do anything to get him to come over! Cook dinner, give him free booze, and free smoke. Man I was desperate. Let me stop there, I should really give you a little background. Buzz is 23 years old at this time, 5'7", weighs 140lbs dripping wet, and he quite the looker. I was in the most akward phase of my life on the other hand. At 22 I am also 5'7" but at that time I was tipping the scales at about 200lbs. Ouch. I also dyed my hair an aweful straw blonde, I butchered my eyebrows, and well I had no idea how to apply makeup. So we were best friends.

Yes this drove me nuts, because to top it off he slept in my bed with me. Yes, yes, i know. All of Buzzs friends were convinced we were actually sleeping together (in the biblical sense) and all my friends were convinced he is gay. Lol. None of our friends were right. I introduced him to my parents and family, he was my best friend. A best friend I would give my left arm to be intimate with!!! But alas it didnt happen, and after 5 months of getting nowhere, I started dating someone. That guy, well f*ck that guy. After I eventually ended it with that one, I found myself dialing Buzz's number. What I failed to mention was that I lost all that cursed weight and got back down to 140lbs. :) Of course I had a feeling that Buzz may be more receptive to me now.

I was right. We started dating within the week and were two peas in a pod for months. Ok, back then we did a lot of drinking and hanging out at bars. No wonder it didnt last, we were always drunk! Well when it ended Buzz was 24 and I was 23. It was a drunken night I dont quiet recall so no juicy story here!

Five months later I was drug to a birthday party, that I knew Buzz would be at. I had a friend as a sheild (Buzz broke my heart!) who I told not to leave me. What a bitch. (Just kidding!) She left me alone with him!!!! Well she knew what she was doing because before the end of the night we were shacked up. After several break ups and make ups we finally got it to work. We are now 29 and he is nearly 30. Wow, the twists and turns that life throws at us.

So that our story, for the most part. I have a lot more to say, but I will stop there for now. This blog is to share the unique and interesting journey that is my life. I hope that this blog will bring a smile to your face and chuckle to your belly, and every now and again a tear to your eye. This is the life of Buzz.......