So I am new to blogging. I know I am behind but I never really felt that I wanted to blog, until now. I have been through so many things in the past 10 years. From an ex boyfriend that pulled a shotgun on me in our own home to heavy drug use and erratic behavior. Then to the medical issues, and the psychological ones.
All we need to say now is that the ex screwed me up bad. He was my first everything, he was my world met him at 16 and stayed with him for 4.5 years. At the end he physically and emotionally damaged me for years. I was heavily medicated for the better half of my early twenties. I didnt complete University because I had emersed myself in anything that took the hurt away. Needless to say that even when I met my future husband at 22 I still wasn't all right. It has taken me years to realize that the night back in 2001, that ended with me staying a night in jail. (My first and so far only experience with incarceration) Was traumatizing. Literally, traumatizing. I have been dealing with the ramifications of that night for a decade. I believe I finally ripped the head off of my beast.
What miraculous drug am I on? What amazing epiphany did I discover about forgiveness? I discovered that I want to be a mother. I cant be on the amount of prescription medication my body has been used to and expect to grow a healthy child. So here I am, off all but one medication and on a childs dose of that. I believe that the evening back in 2001 was so traumatic that it effected me for years. I have PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. That explains it all.
Well that is not the end of my medical woe. At 22, when my hubby was only my roomie, I got a DVT in my left popliteal. Thats a blood clot in my leg, I was in the hospital for nearly a week. Turns out I have two genetic risk factors for blood clots, so I was ordered to get off of my birth control. I am unable to take any hormones and this will greatly effect any pregnancies. So I already know that I will have a high risk pregnancy and will have to take daily injections of blood thinners. Yikes. But I am ok with that, I understand the risks and I know what to expect.
Then you have the BRCA1 thing. Yes I have tested positive for the breast and ovarian cancer gene. I found out at 25 and I will have to have both my breasts and ovaries taken after I am done having children. Christina Applegate has this gene as well. I have already had mammograms and a breast MRI, and I also have regular ultrasounds to check out the ovaries.
I have been told that everything looks great and shouldnt have any issues conceiving. I had surgery in 2009 to figure out why I have such painful cramping. I have taken narcotics to try and relieve the pain that I have, and I have been convinced that something is wrong. They did find an ovarian cyst on rightie, but when we went in for the exploratory laproscopy they found nothing. NOTHING!!
Well I still cant figure out whether that was a good or bad thing. I mean I am still in terrible pain the first day AF visits, and I pass lots of clots. (TMI I know) Its frustrating that I still dont know why I have the pain that I feel like is unnatural. I mean I had a blood clot in my leg for 3 days before I sought medical attention. I know pain and I can handle pain. But it is apparently all in my head. Grrrrr.
I feel that the things I have been through have made me stronger, that I am a better person for it.
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