Bad Blogger!

Yeah so I am new to this blogging thing and it has dawned upon me that I am not really doing a good job.  I suppose it is because it has been years since I wrote my thoughts down or thought anyone would care what those thoughts were.  Of course, it seems that I had been living my life under false pretenses. I mean it feels weird to have thought that you were labeled or characterized a specific way, and would be for the remainder of your life.  Only to learn that you were only young, and going through more personal issues than playboy.  Other people have things so much worse but I couldn't deal with the parts of my life that were malfunctioning. 

This past Tuesday I sat down for a new psychologist to administer the MMPI which is a lengthy personality test, which I thought was pretty self explainatory.  I cant believe some of the questions, and based on my answers I cant believe anyone could draw any other conclusion besides I am boringly normal.  Well thats not entirely true.   I am anything but normal, or boring.  I find constant amusement in the daily struggles I face, or at least I try to. 

I feel that my journey to become a mother has already changed my life for the better.  I no longer rely upon drugs to make me feel better. I realize that I am in control over my actions and reactions, and that the way I deal with life is in essence, my life.   I have already won as far as I am concerned, getting my mental self confidence back has felt so good, I am sleeping well and feel that my body is healthier.  I couldnt have imagined this a few years ago and struggled with the idea of being pregnant on medication.  Well at least psychiatric medications. 

I feel that my body is ready to create a child and that I have prepared myself as well as I can.  I now hope, and pray to receive the greatest of life's gifts.  The gift of a child. 

Pulling the goalie

I will make this brief as my first blog on this was unfortunately deleted due to computer, not operator error.  Anyway, so after about 18 months of marriage and months of pleading, Buzz finally gave in to my baby making plans.  He did it in his distinct style, by just not pulling out one night. You see I had a blood clot in 2003 and cant be on birth control, it only took 2 years of dating for us to move to the pull out method only.  So when a few days before my 29th birthday he ceased to pull out for the first time, I was amazed and thrilled.  You see my hubby never forgot to pull out, never.

I took all the steps and precautions. I scheduled dentist appointments, doctors visits and started taking some low grade prenatal vitamins.  I know that I will need to be on a blood thinner throughout my pregnancy and will be under constant supervision.  I will not be able to leave the city and will have to see one of my two doctor's at least once a week.  I may need to be on the blood thinners if we have problems conceiving, but we will see. I have already had a laparoscopy to find the culprit behind my severe pain during AF, but they found nothing.  We saw a cyst on two ultrasounds but nothing on surgery day.  I get pelvic ultrasounds to check for ovarian cancer, because I tested positive for BRCA1.  I also get mammograms and breast MRIs to check for breast cancer.  I will have to get a bilateral mastecomy and oofectomy when I am done having children as well. (Removal of breasts and ovaries)   All of this I am more than willing to do to get a beautiful child with my husband.

At first he just wanted to 'Pull the goalie", and not worry too much. He didn't want to know when I ovulated and certainly didn't want to be told to perform on command.  Well I certainly didn't want to be controlling about this subject it would send Buzz the opposite direction quick! So he came back home after the job was done and we relaxed about it.  It has been more difficult for me to remain calm. I have so many things to be concerned with. Not to mention the fact that he happened to avoid me on the only days that it mattered.  I had a talk with him last month and turns out his was misinformed.
So since our little talk it seems to be more active in actually trying to conceive. I am happy and hope that we will have a little Buzz running around soon.