Pulling the goalie

I will make this brief as my first blog on this was unfortunately deleted due to computer, not operator error.  Anyway, so after about 18 months of marriage and months of pleading, Buzz finally gave in to my baby making plans.  He did it in his distinct style, by just not pulling out one night. You see I had a blood clot in 2003 and cant be on birth control, it only took 2 years of dating for us to move to the pull out method only.  So when a few days before my 29th birthday he ceased to pull out for the first time, I was amazed and thrilled.  You see my hubby never forgot to pull out, never.

I took all the steps and precautions. I scheduled dentist appointments, doctors visits and started taking some low grade prenatal vitamins.  I know that I will need to be on a blood thinner throughout my pregnancy and will be under constant supervision.  I will not be able to leave the city and will have to see one of my two doctor's at least once a week.  I may need to be on the blood thinners if we have problems conceiving, but we will see. I have already had a laparoscopy to find the culprit behind my severe pain during AF, but they found nothing.  We saw a cyst on two ultrasounds but nothing on surgery day.  I get pelvic ultrasounds to check for ovarian cancer, because I tested positive for BRCA1.  I also get mammograms and breast MRIs to check for breast cancer.  I will have to get a bilateral mastecomy and oofectomy when I am done having children as well. (Removal of breasts and ovaries)   All of this I am more than willing to do to get a beautiful child with my husband.

At first he just wanted to 'Pull the goalie", and not worry too much. He didn't want to know when I ovulated and certainly didn't want to be told to perform on command.  Well I certainly didn't want to be controlling about this subject it would send Buzz the opposite direction quick! So he came back home after the job was done and we relaxed about it.  It has been more difficult for me to remain calm. I have so many things to be concerned with. Not to mention the fact that he happened to avoid me on the only days that it mattered.  I had a talk with him last month and turns out his was misinformed.
So since our little talk it seems to be more active in actually trying to conceive. I am happy and hope that we will have a little Buzz running around soon.

What doesnt kill you....

So I am new to blogging. I know I am behind but I never really felt that I wanted to blog, until now. I have been through so many things in the past 10 years. From an ex boyfriend that pulled a shotgun on me in our own home to heavy drug use and erratic behavior. Then to the medical issues, and the psychological ones.



All we need to say now is that the ex screwed me up bad. He was my first everything, he was my world met him at 16 and stayed with him for 4.5 years. At the end he physically and emotionally damaged me for years. I was heavily medicated for the better half of my early twenties. I didnt complete University because I had emersed myself in anything that took the hurt away. Needless to say that even when I met my future husband at 22 I still wasn't all right. It has taken me years to realize that the night back in 2001, that ended with me staying a night in jail. (My first and so far only experience with incarceration) Was traumatizing. Literally, traumatizing. I have been dealing with the ramifications of that night for a decade. I believe I finally ripped the head off of my beast.



What miraculous drug am I on? What amazing epiphany did I discover about forgiveness? I discovered that I want to be a mother. I cant be on the amount of prescription medication my body has been used to and expect to grow a healthy child. So here I am, off all but one medication and on a childs dose of that. I believe that the evening back in 2001 was so traumatic that it effected me for years. I have PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. That explains it all.

Well that is not the end of my medical woe. At 22, when my hubby was only my roomie, I got a DVT in my left popliteal. Thats a blood clot in my leg, I was in the hospital for nearly a week. Turns out I have two genetic risk factors for blood clots, so I was ordered to get off of my birth control. I am unable to take any hormones and this will greatly effect any pregnancies. So I already know that I will have a high risk pregnancy and will have to take daily injections of blood thinners. Yikes. But I am ok with that, I understand the risks and I know what to expect.

Then you have the BRCA1 thing. Yes I have tested positive for the breast and ovarian cancer gene. I found out at 25 and I will have to have both my breasts and ovaries taken after I am done having children. Christina Applegate has this gene as well. I have already had mammograms and a breast MRI, and I also have regular ultrasounds to check out the ovaries.
I have been told that everything looks great and shouldnt have any issues conceiving. I had surgery in 2009 to figure out why I have such painful cramping. I have taken narcotics to try and relieve the pain that I have, and I have been convinced that something is wrong. They did find an ovarian cyst on rightie, but when we went in for the exploratory laproscopy they found nothing. NOTHING!!

Well I still cant figure out whether that was a good or bad thing. I mean I am still in terrible pain the first day AF visits, and I pass lots of clots. (TMI I know) Its frustrating that I still dont know why I have the pain that I feel like is unnatural. I mean I had a blood clot in my leg for 3 days before I sought medical attention. I know pain and I can handle pain. But it is apparently all in my head. Grrrrr.

I feel that the things I have been through have made me stronger, that I am a better person for it.