8 years of crazy

So as I have stated in my former blogs, I was diagnosed bipolar in 2002.  Well I had a rough time of it with a horrible boyfriend, and.....blah blah blah.  Not important anymore and frankly I wasted enough time on it.  I was prescribed Lithium (on the periodic table, no shit), Depakote (Anticonvulsant), Levoxyl (to try and save my thyroid), Seroquel (Anti psychotic)....you see where this is going?  I have taken everything from mild antidepressants to straight narcotics and tranquilizers.  I have gone with a label, a stigma for the better part of my 20's.  This realization has sparked a multitude of emotions.  

I digress....the only reason this all happened, the reason I have called this diagnosis into question finally, was that 6 months ago I started taking only 1/2 of my prescribed amounts of medication.  That's because we started trying for a family.  I knew that I couldn't take that medicine when pregnant, not the amount I was taking.  I had asked my doctor what I would need to do just in case I got pregnant and he told me to take half and work down from there.  So I started then.  I was weary and scared, as I was told that I would think I was better, stop taking the medicine, that I might try and kill  myself.  I would steal, fornicate, and take drugs.  (Past history) So needless to say I was nervous. 

Here we are, 6 months after dropping my doses to that of a child, and 1 month after completely stopping all meds.  I feel better than ever, I feel focused, healthy and well very optimistic. I have a wonderful husband, a amazing family, and a very decent job.  No wonder I was miserable and acted out when my life was shit.  I was miserable and did some pretty stupid drugs and things that I am not proud of. But I am sane. I don't need meds everyday and I should maybe be able to get some insurance. I have done psychological testing and visited a referred doctor to get a second opinion and he stated that I am not bipolar.  My original doctor is willing to concur with this doctors evaluation, as they sent me for the second opinion. 

I used to tell people that I wished I could crawl into the fetal position, crying, and fall asleep.  Then sleep until everything was better.  I had an epiphany in the doctors office the other day. Holy sheep shit, I did that.  I "fell asleep" with medication, and when my life didn't suck so hard, I woke up.  Woke up to realize I was an ass and should have been slapped years ago.

But overall I am happy.  I feel excited about the future, and frankly I cant change the past so why harp over it. I couldn't have said that a few years ago, and I think its time for celebration and a return to my version of normalcy. My hubby has told me the entire time I have know him that I was not in need of medication, and it took me far to long to believe him.  I also feel that I am now truly ready to be a mother, and that my body is ready too.

Bad Blogger!

Yeah so I am new to this blogging thing and it has dawned upon me that I am not really doing a good job.  I suppose it is because it has been years since I wrote my thoughts down or thought anyone would care what those thoughts were.  Of course, it seems that I had been living my life under false pretenses. I mean it feels weird to have thought that you were labeled or characterized a specific way, and would be for the remainder of your life.  Only to learn that you were only young, and going through more personal issues than playboy.  Other people have things so much worse but I couldn't deal with the parts of my life that were malfunctioning. 

This past Tuesday I sat down for a new psychologist to administer the MMPI which is a lengthy personality test, which I thought was pretty self explainatory.  I cant believe some of the questions, and based on my answers I cant believe anyone could draw any other conclusion besides I am boringly normal.  Well thats not entirely true.   I am anything but normal, or boring.  I find constant amusement in the daily struggles I face, or at least I try to. 

I feel that my journey to become a mother has already changed my life for the better.  I no longer rely upon drugs to make me feel better. I realize that I am in control over my actions and reactions, and that the way I deal with life is in essence, my life.   I have already won as far as I am concerned, getting my mental self confidence back has felt so good, I am sleeping well and feel that my body is healthier.  I couldnt have imagined this a few years ago and struggled with the idea of being pregnant on medication.  Well at least psychiatric medications. 

I feel that my body is ready to create a child and that I have prepared myself as well as I can.  I now hope, and pray to receive the greatest of life's gifts.  The gift of a child. 

The Buzzsaw and his Hive

So a few years ago Buzz decided to start training Brazilian Ju-Jitzu, Muay Thai kickboxing, and all other things MMA. (Mixed Martial Arts) He went to the gym all the time, always coming home tired and exhausted.  But he loves it, and what more can you ask for when your man is high strung with a short fuse! Get that aggression out in a good way! His family thought it would only ramp up his propensity to fight and be violent, but I saw it the opposite way. Finally a healthy way for my little man to get out his frustrations. 

He always said that he wanted to compete and the joy that I see when he gets to train, made me want him to continue to train and eventually compete.  We watch MMA all the time. He knows all the facts, fighters records, and he even can remember the moves done to win the fight. I don't know how he knows as much as he does, its amazing. 

He landed his very first fight in November of 2009, and we were both amped!  It was at the House of Blues here in Houston and he was even on the fight poster! (Second from the Right!)

Unfortunately, he lost that fight and his coach didn't even show up for the fight!! But he moved on and continued to train and focus hard.  He is in the Bantamweight division (135lbs) and is 5'7".  People ask me all the time how I can watch him get beat up.  Well to be honest I am more worried about the other guy most of the time.  Because if Buzz releases all his frustration and rage he could kill someone. As of yet he hasn't learned how to activate that rage right before a fight.  I certainly don't want to be the one that provokes that response! 

His second fight was at a casino in Louisiana, I didn't think it could get much cooler than the House of Blues but I was wrong.  I was a real part of everything that time, I was there from the get go at the hotel, backstage, and cage side. That was a pretty awesome experience.  But he lost.  Man I have never seen Buzz so upset and disappointed in himself.  I was so glad I was there to tell him what a fantastic job he did and how proud of him I was. 

He is more determined than ever to win a fight, and has just landed one!!! September 18th, here in Houston!! He is at the gym now, and probably every night until Sept. 18th.  This is what he loves and I wouldn't have it any other way! I mean look at this face minutes before he went to the cage in Louisiana.

Damn I love this man.