8 years of crazy

So as I have stated in my former blogs, I was diagnosed bipolar in 2002.  Well I had a rough time of it with a horrible boyfriend, and.....blah blah blah.  Not important anymore and frankly I wasted enough time on it.  I was prescribed Lithium (on the periodic table, no shit), Depakote (Anticonvulsant), Levoxyl (to try and save my thyroid), Seroquel (Anti psychotic)....you see where this is going?  I have taken everything from mild antidepressants to straight narcotics and tranquilizers.  I have gone with a label, a stigma for the better part of my 20's.  This realization has sparked a multitude of emotions.  

I digress....the only reason this all happened, the reason I have called this diagnosis into question finally, was that 6 months ago I started taking only 1/2 of my prescribed amounts of medication.  That's because we started trying for a family.  I knew that I couldn't take that medicine when pregnant, not the amount I was taking.  I had asked my doctor what I would need to do just in case I got pregnant and he told me to take half and work down from there.  So I started then.  I was weary and scared, as I was told that I would think I was better, stop taking the medicine, that I might try and kill  myself.  I would steal, fornicate, and take drugs.  (Past history) So needless to say I was nervous. 

Here we are, 6 months after dropping my doses to that of a child, and 1 month after completely stopping all meds.  I feel better than ever, I feel focused, healthy and well very optimistic. I have a wonderful husband, a amazing family, and a very decent job.  No wonder I was miserable and acted out when my life was shit.  I was miserable and did some pretty stupid drugs and things that I am not proud of. But I am sane. I don't need meds everyday and I should maybe be able to get some insurance. I have done psychological testing and visited a referred doctor to get a second opinion and he stated that I am not bipolar.  My original doctor is willing to concur with this doctors evaluation, as they sent me for the second opinion. 

I used to tell people that I wished I could crawl into the fetal position, crying, and fall asleep.  Then sleep until everything was better.  I had an epiphany in the doctors office the other day. Holy sheep shit, I did that.  I "fell asleep" with medication, and when my life didn't suck so hard, I woke up.  Woke up to realize I was an ass and should have been slapped years ago.

But overall I am happy.  I feel excited about the future, and frankly I cant change the past so why harp over it. I couldn't have said that a few years ago, and I think its time for celebration and a return to my version of normalcy. My hubby has told me the entire time I have know him that I was not in need of medication, and it took me far to long to believe him.  I also feel that I am now truly ready to be a mother, and that my body is ready too.